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" "OK," I said. "Let's do it." You smiled and said, "First, your nails." As you started painting mynails the same pale pink shade as yours (Ballet Slippers), the reality ofwhat we were about to do started hitting me. You could see I was gettingnervous and said, "Shh, Princess. Trust me. Everything will be ok."We drove out to Long Island and got to my mother's apartment. Even at 88,she looked fabulous, perfectly put together with her makeup impeccable.One glance from you to me told me that you saw everything - that youcould only imagine what she looked like 50 years ago when I was animpressionable young boy.We walked in and Mother gave me a hug and a kiss, that funny, ambiguouskiss of hers, not quite on the lips, but not quite on the cheek either.She gave you a brief embrace and we sat down in the living room. Itdidn't take Mother long to notice my nails, and she had a look ofsurprise on her face. I was so nervous to see how she would react! "Well," she said. "You told me you. Being with them; being dressedlike them; crossing my legs like them; feeling the sensations they werefeeling as they did so and knowing they were watching me as I did it -this is what turned me on.The sexual identity I felt an affinity with was that of a feminine or"lipstick" lesbian. However, whilst most of the lesbians accepted me, Iknew deep down I would not be attractive to them because I was male. Igot lucky a couple of times but usually they accepted me as part oftheir group socially but that was it.Similarly sitting among straight women - they would accept me as acuriosity (many thought it was cool to have cross-dressing friend) butthey did not want me sexually (again with the odd exciting exception whowas just wanted to a once-off experience).But sitting there among these women gain reinforced my shame - I couldnever be one of them, but they would never see me as a male either.Again the shame and the excitement in tandem!I started to take more and more risks to achieve the.
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